Rinse, Lather, Repeat Repeat Repeat!

I almost gave up on this blog because I started to feel embarrassed about getting personal and revealing my vulnerabilities. But I'm not in high school anymore and I have to push past that feeling because I believe that even something that is insignificant to 99.9% of the world, if anything I can say can bring at least a minute bit of clarity or inspiration to their own situation, then it's worth it. I will now climb off of my soap box.

I really enjoy writing. It is my thought process. As a creative-minded person in the field of art and design I think it is a natural assumption that I am a notebook sketcher, doodler and thumbnail-expert but I rarely draw when I'm figuring out a visual problem. I mostly turn the idea into words, write it out and plan the solution out verbally. That's the writer in me. If I didn't get into OCAD (that to me was the school to get into at the time) then I wasn't good enough to pursue art and design and therefore I was going to attend another institution for creative writing. This is probably why a big part of good design to me is based on smart and funny copywriting. I like coming up with tag lines for ads and creating a story/narrative for a brand. When I look at companies that I admire and want to work for, I look at the background and culture they have created.

I'm still searching for how this all fits into the bigger picture.

What is my niche? Graphic design is visual communication. Writing is another way of communicating. What area is equally dependent on the written as the visual? I guess the real issue is Where do I fit in? I hate the transition stage. Transition stage= finished school, looking for a job. It's just a whole lot of existential chow-chow that occupies way more brain space than it should. I always wished there was some kind of truth machine that could give a brutally honest breakdown evaluation of who I am; my strengths and weaknesses, so I could stop second-guessing. I'm the kind of crazy that only accepts a compliment when someone says it to someone else who never meant me to hear it. When I succeed in something like I get a good mark, I always manage to rationalize it and I'll think "Oh...it's just because the teacher gave me a random mark." I have issues and knowing me I won't figure them out until very late in the game if at all. Oh yea. I can figure out everyone else intuitively but when it's me I have these weird distortion goggles.

Anyways, I've procrastinated enough. Back to reality.

p.s. I'm signing up for a novel writing course. Proaction at it's finest.

word to the wise

If you can't be a highway, be a trail.
If you can't be the sun, be a star.
It isn't by size that you win or you fail.
Be the best of whoever you are.

~Rebecca McCann

Want/It/Right/?/

I hate wanting things too much.
It's a dangerous thing to want...
because then you get your hopes up
and then they're dashed.
Most of the times.
Some of the times.
Want becomes need.
Or at least it can very easily become need.

Ugh.
I want it so badly.
This is not going to end well.

You know when something is right
and you just know it's right
because it resonates inside your soul.
I keep second guessing myself.
I think I have pretty good intuition...
I like to think I know when something is really right.
I get that resonating feeling.
I got that feeling when I found out I could actually turn my creativity into a life path.
I felt that way when I applied to OCAD.
I felt that way when I went into the graphic design program.
The problem I have is just because there are so many almosts that seem right but aren't.
So you start to wonder if this thing that feels right is an almost.
Or maybe it's just self-preservation to keep myself from wanting...
from wanting something that is just right.

~TY

It's on my to-do list

My goal in life is simply to be happy.

Instead of focusing on the small stuff and fixating on things that make me unhappy,
I'm going to devote every day to just bettering myself and being a happier person.
I need to make a list of things I want to do.

TY Goals 2008

1. Take driving lessons and get license.
2. Write a novel (at least start)
3. Draw more.
4. Be fearless; take more risks.
5. Create scrapbook of Europe trip.
6. Take html, javascript, web design courses.
7. Accept more freelance work.
8. Complete a new photoshoot.

A general goal in life for me is to experience as much as I can.
An eventual goal I have decided is to live abroad for a year or two...
I'd love to live in Paris for a year....or New York.
But I think I'd enjoy the rhythm of Paris more.

Anyways...I'm just trying to stay focused on being happy and improving myself.
I shouldn't fixate on getting a job or on the fact that I don't have one (other than Starbucks).
Everything will happen when it's supposed to.
So for now, my plan for happiness today is:
1. Get spicy Korean food
2. Read tabloids at Chapters
3. Movie marathon!

~TY

Cut Off

I hate this feeling.
I feel cut off from all my senses.
I can't taste, see, smell, hear....feel.
I have no sense.....of my self.
I feel like I'm underwater and screaming.
Except I can't scream..
so I drown.

I have an interview with a priest

Yup.
God has a funny sense of humour.

So...I'm Catholic.
A practicing Roman Catholic.
I'm not one of those crazy, banging on your door, trying to convert you, kind of Catholic...but I go to church every Sunday and try to be a good person when I can.
Key word: try.

My religion is not something that I really discuss with people. I'm not ashamed of it, I just don't see the point discussing it with someone. Nothing anyone can say to me will make me not be Catholic. I've been teased for it. Mocked even. By people I consider friends. It never makes me mad though. Other people have different beliefs. It kind of reminds me of when I got mocked in elementary school for being Chinese. Okay. That's a bit different. That was malicious. Not to mention racist. The point is that there was no point wishing to be something other than Chinese. That's who I am and I don't want to be anything other than that. The same goes for being Catholic. Just because it's something I technically, could change (at least more easily than my ethnicity) I wouldn't. So...I believe. I understand that I believe in God and there are people who don't. I don't mock people for not believing.
That's who they are and this is who I am.

Being the person I am and believing what I believe, last night I prayed.
Yea....I'm a big stress ball.
I prayed that God would help me find a good job...it couldn't hurt, right?
Anyways...so my mom found me a job.
It is at 'Salt + Light Television.'
It's a Catholic Media Foundation, whatever that means.
It's filled with priests in training.
Pretty nice location and office though....

Yup.
This is the job God found me.
Did I mention that my mom volunteers at the church?
God is laughing at me.
He is pointing and laughing.

I kind of dig his sense of humour.
*shakes head*

~TY

Houdini is Dead

As an escapist, I have one trap I can wriggle out of....
and that's a looming deadline.

It's almost September.
I've wasted my whole summer being scared of failing
and now, whether or not I'm scared, I have to leap and apply to jobs.
I have to start knocking on doors and calling in favors.
Uuggghhh..I just want my life to start moving somewhere again.
Despite what my parents think, this summer would have been better had I found a job.
Now I'm scrambling and trying to get everything done at the same time.

Ah well...
at least this week I've been productive.
I pruned my resume from 2 pages to one so it's much more compelling
plus I designed it so it actually looks nice.
I also sent out several emails applying for my 1st tier jobs so, fingers crossed!
I decided I shouldn't be so cautious and the worst that could happen is that they just don't reply and in that case, I'll just go ahead with my original promotion plan.
Even getting an intern job would be great...b/c then I could take some marketing classes and driving lessons and feel like I'm doing something with my life instead of wasting time escaping.
I've been working on my portfolio box w/ Vince and Jarek has promised to help me w/ my website which would be awesome....but I have to think of my priorities.

I finally took a freelance job for a reasonable sum..
I also promised my thesis mentor I'd help at the university fair (paid!)...
If I pick up another well-paid freelance job, I was thinking of putting it towards a trip...
.....like L.A. perhaps? I'd love that. My parents would not.
My chances for anything to do with my parents would be much more positive if I get a job.

I am fixating....
jobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjob

~TY

Chinese Stereotypes

So I work in the Starbucks in Chinatown so I have become more inclined to point out and rail upon Chinese stereotypes...but it's okay because I'm Chinese and if you had to serve the people I do, then you'd want to shoot them all too!!!!

It really peeves me off, the whole what constitutes a typical Chinese beauty.
Maybe this is because I don't look typically Chinese and everyone always thinks I'm mixed.
Then again, all the elderly Chinese customers at my store frequently tell me that I look Chinese and then I lie to them and tell them I'm Trinidadian because they bitch at my for not knowing how to speak the language. Ugh. If I had a penny...

Excuse ME for not looking typically Chinese.
I don't know about my face but I know my body is not stereotypically Chinese.
I grew up in Canada...so my diet is different...my mother's diet was different!
Leave me alone!!!
Stop asking me if my breasts are fake or if I stuff or something...I don't f.y.i.
I'm not rail thin....I like food. So sue me!
I find that people are prone to categorizing based on ignorance...
not all Chinese girls are a size zero w/ no breasts or ass!

I suppose I'm just sick and tired of the comments.

Eureka! I've found it! Oh..there it goes...

I believe that one of the best feelings in the world is finding inspiration.
Being inspired and finding inspiration is probably the reason I live my life the way I do.
I like that inspiration is non-exclusive but is agreeably inclusive.
A person doesn't have to be a genius to find inspiration.
You don't necessarily have to travel the world, climb to the top of the highest mountain to see a perfect sunset to feel inspired. Everyone has the potential to find and be inspiration.
One of the greatest compliments a person can give me is to tell me that something I did, whether it be through words, art, actions....anything, inspired them.

I'm a thrill seeker.
I don't mean I like to go bungee jumping, or cliff diving or anything (though I am not averse to those activities) but I've devoted myself to seeking to the thrills in feeling.
That's sounds hokey. I don't know how else to phrase it.
I guess you could achieve that feeling of accomplishment and success from any profession or activity...but for me, I've done it all (my mother made sure of it when I was a child and had no choice) and I like to think I'm open to different experiences but I think I get the most satisfaction from the feeling of being inspired creatively.

Gah! Four years of not sleeping properly, not eating properly, ripping out my hair, burning my hands w/ a glue gun and almost slicing my fingers off w/ exacto knives (and what do I get for my troubles except crooked boards) and I actually miss it now that it's done! And it was all worth it because of those rare times I would find inspiration. I'd be working on a project (every project felt like life or death) and wracking my brains for a good idea and I'd come up with a bunch of decent ideas but none of them felt right (and you know when an idea feels right). When you find the perfect solution, it's more than relief that you're actually going to meet your deadline and not look like an idiot in front of a critical class. It's like sleeping after a grueling week-long of insomnia (and it sometimes is). It's like you've become the person you've always hoped you'd one day be.

That 'Eureka!' moment is thrilling. Euphoric.
And much more brief than I would like.
But there is always the hopeful prospect of it coming back.

F**k.
I really need it back.

Cogito Ergo Sum

Something to know about me.
I write more than I sketch.
When I brainstorm, I brainstorm in words and writing it out rather than drawing it out. I'll write out what I want it to look like, use adjective, etc...
So when I am particularly frustrated, I write...a lot.
Here is an excerpt from my quarter-life identity crisis:

"I think I lucked out when I picked graphic design as my path. It didn’t require too much thinking on my part really. I’ve always loved being creative. I did just about everything a creative person could do. I painted, I sketched, I sang, I danced, I wrote, I photographed, I played musical instruments, etc…I just picked graphic design because I figured it combined as many creative activities that I enjoyed. It was either OCAD for graphic design or U of T for creative writing so I applied and I decided that if I didn’t get into OCAD that I wasn’t good enough to pursue design. Either way, I was still going to be doing both years down the line, and I am. The choice did not require much self-reflection or introspection on my part. It was clear the general topics that I enjoyed because it came easier to me and it was something I loved to do. Sure, I could do math and science and I got respectable marks but I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it. Pursuing the arts was a natural path so I didn’t go through the whole angsty who am I and who do I want to be experience. And now I am. Stupid identity crisis.
........."

"..........I am a passionate person. My whole life is about passion. It’s always been about doing what I love. I never once contemplated following a life path where what I loved to do was not dominant. I do what I love and I’m good at it because I love it (or at least I like to think I'm good at it). I’m curious and adaptable so this combined with passion makes me really intense when I really want/care about something. When I do something, I throw myself into it with enthusiasm and single-minded determinedness. I strongly believe that when you do something, you should do it the best you can, otherwise, what’s the point of doing it. I’m very emotionally volatile so when I experience an emotion, I really feel it and I become consumed by it and ergo, express it, whether through my art, words or in any way I can. This is the reason I do what I do, because through my various creative outlets, I can communicate what I feel and think; I can share who I am and understand who I am based on what I produce. Our actions define us. What I do, defines me. Creativity allows me to understand who I am.

Huh. Isn’t that a kicker.
I seriously didn’t understand completely the full depth of why I do the things I do (like photography, design and writing) until I wrote it out and in this act have proved my point."



Sorry if the conclusion seemed very predictable and obvious to those of you who have yourselves all figured out, but it was quite the revelation to me and I feel better that was the point of the entry.

Escapist Act 154

I have a focus problem. Surprise! Yea, that wasn't very surprising was it.
I feel so a.d.d. most of the times. There are so many things I want to do and I never get around to it. I know it's not real but I read horoscopes. I don't rely on them or put very much store in them but sometimes they're scarily dead-on. As a Pisces, it says that I am an escapists and because of my successful escapist tendencies, I often don't reach my goals and objectives.

Maybe it's a fear of failing.
Yes, I know. How can you fail at something if you've never tried.
I think that with me, when I've left to my own devices and there are no concrete deadlines, I am an escapist and I am the most motivated when I feel like I have accomplished something and I feel pride in something I have done. Strike when the iron is hot.

No matter how many times I tell myself I have to focus on something then move on to the next thing, I seem to keep doing what I always do. I think I have a problem with authority. I also think I have too many interests and my 'to-do' list is getting hideously long.

For example, I'm trying to organize a photoshoot for sometime soon to fill my photography portfolio to go alongside my design portfolio but it's taking me much longer than it should. I've found several locations and I know a couple of make-up artists but now I need wardrobe stylists, hair stylists and models. I really wanted to work with real models because though I can give direction to get what I want, I would like to work with someone who knows what they're doing and who can move fluidly into different poses.

Anyways, you see what I'm doing?
My escapist tendencies has led me to write in this blog instead of doing all the things I should be doing.

TY

Work in Progress

I am so unbalanced.
I can't seem to get myself upright.
I know the things that I want; the goals I want to reach and I generally know the step I need to take to get there but the problem is balance. I think it's my nature to focus; fixate on one area of interest at a time and I tend to devote all my time and attention to that one area but in the process, I forget to balance and neglect other areas. I do the same thing with books and it has the same results. I'll compile about 5 books that I want to read and I'm so impatient and a.d.d. that I'll start one book and then before finishing it, I'll move on to another and this way, nothing really gets accomplished.

This is a pattern it seems.
During the school year, I focussed on school and neglected my health.
I didn't work out regularly, eat properly, sleep normally.
I obsessed and stressed over school and getting my portfolio together and doing all the things I thought I should do before I graduated. I didn't do any photoshoots or other hobbies that I enjoy. Now I'm trying to eat properly (not working...I love pasta too much!) but at least I'm exercising every day, faithfully not because I have some clichee desire to be model skinny (because I have accepted the fact that I have a Spanish body and I love it) but because I want to feel comfortable in my body and not let it get to me when my parents leave various 'weight loss' books on my desk. During this process, I have neglected my job search and the exercising and expansion of my mind and creativity. Ugh.

Neither way works. Both methods of fixation are frustrating and result in me feeling restless. I'm happy with who I am and what I have accomplished but I find it frustrating that I can seem to balance it all and be entirely satisfied. I have yet to master this part of being an adult I suppose. I'm working on discipline. I guess I'm a work in progress. I hate waiting. Damn consumer society conditioning me to expect and demand instant gratification.

I can fly.

Ugh, last night I had the worst night sleep in a long time.
This includes the nights I only got 2 hours of sleep because of thesis.
I just kept tossing and turning and having mini-dreams that were all creepy, disgusting or both.
Several involved worms...bleh. I won't be able to eat apples for awhile.
I've had one of the dreams where I find a hidden door with a friend and we go in because we're supposed to find something; some information, but then the friend is caught.
The other recurring dream I suppose most people have...that is of flying.

"Why do I have them? Am I weird to have them? Or not to have them?

Are you especially creative? Do you have an imaginative personality? People with these characteristics (poets, writers, musicians, painters, graphic designers, etc.) are more likely to have flying dreams than the average population. People who do public speaking are prone to have them, too. Not surprisingly, folks who fly planes and hang gliders have flying dreams, although they tend to fly without their vehicles, like Superman."

It's always the same way of flying. It's not smooth the way I'd assume but rather I'm using my legs to propel myself higher and higher. Lately my flying dreams have been around home. Maybe the meaning is as simple as I'm trying to become independent from my home....but I have more pressing problems than that, let me assure you. Besides, my Dad has created a home menu designed to feed me so well that I never want to leave.

Maybe it just means that I want to get somewhere that I can't.

Somewhere that is only a plan ride away.

And so I blog again

I like blogs.
I've always liked blogs.
I've had so many variations of a blog that it's frightening.
I've stayed away from traditional blogging (can blogging ever be considered 'traditional'?) for a long time. The strike is over! Be prepared to be bored with the series of events that make up my life. I just completed my degree in graphic design from OCAD so I figured it was the perfect time to start a new blog. Partially because it'll mark a fresh start; the beginning of a new life (predictable reason, I know) and partially because I'm trying to anchor myself in some way. It's a weird feeling not having school to weigh down your September. It feels like floating and I have yet to acclimatize.

I've always found it much easier to organize my thoughts and understand my mind through writing and sure, I could do this in a private diary (I have two main ones; one for business/work related topics and one for my private melodramatic angst where I'm allowed to be as irrational and self-deprecating as I like) but there is a certain narcissistic allure to blogs, pretending like my opinions and thoughts are interesting to other people. But, hey! If you're reading this, then I have succeeded in being at least slightly entertaining or assisting in one's procrastination. Glad to be of some help.

What will you find in here?
If a hobo exposes himself to me in the subway (again) then you will read about it here.
When I find something inspiring whether it be a book, art, design, etc...I'll post about it here.
If I just feel like ranting because it seems like the right thing to do, it'll also be here.

So, stay tuned.
Let's see how long I stick with this blog.