That was one punch too many, sir.

The last 2 months have been an adjustment.
You know when something happens and it shakes you to your core.
Everything you knew about yourself shifts. It's slight.
Nothing at all, really because everything is the same.
But that slight change makes your whole world look different
and the compilation is enough to destroy your sanity.
Boom.

The worst part about it is the loneliness because no one can be there.
No one can help you b/c it's IN you.
It renders the most empathetic person, superfluous.
The isolation drives you crazy because you can't get a second opinion.
You start to think you're irrational and that you're so damaged
but truly, being yourself isn't baggage.

The last 2 months were hard...
because I was trying to make myself something I am not.
Thinking that other people are using ME as a measuring stick
when really it's me who's comparing myself to everyone else
and because I don't measure up the same way, I feel like I have to conform.
I apologize; I feel bad that I'm this way? I apologize....for being me?
There's no one to apologize to. It's all me.

Your 20s kinda suck.
Sure, you're young, you're hot, you feel adult w/ your bills and your apartments, your fancy vacations ....but you have NO IDEA who you are and what's worse is that you don't know who you want to be.

It seems like a "duh" moment....but sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to really comprehend because you hear it so often it becomes like white noise.
I'm working on embracing ME.
I mean, I'm not doing things that are not my nature, I couldn't if I wanted to (believe me, I've tried) but I WANT to be and that's the worst part. Wanting to be something you're not instead of accepting who you are. Being brave and unapologetic and saying "Yea, this is me. You don't like? You don't have to."

Like I said...it's not a groundbreaking revelation in the general sense
but to personally realize it within yourself is a gift.
The tricky part is figuring out if you have actually achieved it,
or if your belief that you've achieved it is a delusion.

Anyways, that's just what I'm working on in myself.
Convincing myself that it's alright to be me and no one else.
Time to throw away that measuring tape!

xo
T