It's on my to-do list

My goal in life is simply to be happy.

Instead of focusing on the small stuff and fixating on things that make me unhappy,
I'm going to devote every day to just bettering myself and being a happier person.
I need to make a list of things I want to do.

TY Goals 2008

1. Take driving lessons and get license.
2. Write a novel (at least start)
3. Draw more.
4. Be fearless; take more risks.
5. Create scrapbook of Europe trip.
6. Take html, javascript, web design courses.
7. Accept more freelance work.
8. Complete a new photoshoot.

A general goal in life for me is to experience as much as I can.
An eventual goal I have decided is to live abroad for a year or two...
I'd love to live in Paris for a year....or New York.
But I think I'd enjoy the rhythm of Paris more.

Anyways...I'm just trying to stay focused on being happy and improving myself.
I shouldn't fixate on getting a job or on the fact that I don't have one (other than Starbucks).
Everything will happen when it's supposed to.
So for now, my plan for happiness today is:
1. Get spicy Korean food
2. Read tabloids at Chapters
3. Movie marathon!

~TY

Cut Off

I hate this feeling.
I feel cut off from all my senses.
I can't taste, see, smell, hear....feel.
I have no sense.....of my self.
I feel like I'm underwater and screaming.
Except I can't scream..
so I drown.

I have an interview with a priest

Yup.
God has a funny sense of humour.

So...I'm Catholic.
A practicing Roman Catholic.
I'm not one of those crazy, banging on your door, trying to convert you, kind of Catholic...but I go to church every Sunday and try to be a good person when I can.
Key word: try.

My religion is not something that I really discuss with people. I'm not ashamed of it, I just don't see the point discussing it with someone. Nothing anyone can say to me will make me not be Catholic. I've been teased for it. Mocked even. By people I consider friends. It never makes me mad though. Other people have different beliefs. It kind of reminds me of when I got mocked in elementary school for being Chinese. Okay. That's a bit different. That was malicious. Not to mention racist. The point is that there was no point wishing to be something other than Chinese. That's who I am and I don't want to be anything other than that. The same goes for being Catholic. Just because it's something I technically, could change (at least more easily than my ethnicity) I wouldn't. So...I believe. I understand that I believe in God and there are people who don't. I don't mock people for not believing.
That's who they are and this is who I am.

Being the person I am and believing what I believe, last night I prayed.
Yea....I'm a big stress ball.
I prayed that God would help me find a good job...it couldn't hurt, right?
Anyways...so my mom found me a job.
It is at 'Salt + Light Television.'
It's a Catholic Media Foundation, whatever that means.
It's filled with priests in training.
Pretty nice location and office though....

Yup.
This is the job God found me.
Did I mention that my mom volunteers at the church?
God is laughing at me.
He is pointing and laughing.

I kind of dig his sense of humour.
*shakes head*

~TY

Houdini is Dead

As an escapist, I have one trap I can wriggle out of....
and that's a looming deadline.

It's almost September.
I've wasted my whole summer being scared of failing
and now, whether or not I'm scared, I have to leap and apply to jobs.
I have to start knocking on doors and calling in favors.
Uuggghhh..I just want my life to start moving somewhere again.
Despite what my parents think, this summer would have been better had I found a job.
Now I'm scrambling and trying to get everything done at the same time.

Ah well...
at least this week I've been productive.
I pruned my resume from 2 pages to one so it's much more compelling
plus I designed it so it actually looks nice.
I also sent out several emails applying for my 1st tier jobs so, fingers crossed!
I decided I shouldn't be so cautious and the worst that could happen is that they just don't reply and in that case, I'll just go ahead with my original promotion plan.
Even getting an intern job would be great...b/c then I could take some marketing classes and driving lessons and feel like I'm doing something with my life instead of wasting time escaping.
I've been working on my portfolio box w/ Vince and Jarek has promised to help me w/ my website which would be awesome....but I have to think of my priorities.

I finally took a freelance job for a reasonable sum..
I also promised my thesis mentor I'd help at the university fair (paid!)...
If I pick up another well-paid freelance job, I was thinking of putting it towards a trip...
.....like L.A. perhaps? I'd love that. My parents would not.
My chances for anything to do with my parents would be much more positive if I get a job.

I am fixating....
jobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjob

~TY

Chinese Stereotypes

So I work in the Starbucks in Chinatown so I have become more inclined to point out and rail upon Chinese stereotypes...but it's okay because I'm Chinese and if you had to serve the people I do, then you'd want to shoot them all too!!!!

It really peeves me off, the whole what constitutes a typical Chinese beauty.
Maybe this is because I don't look typically Chinese and everyone always thinks I'm mixed.
Then again, all the elderly Chinese customers at my store frequently tell me that I look Chinese and then I lie to them and tell them I'm Trinidadian because they bitch at my for not knowing how to speak the language. Ugh. If I had a penny...

Excuse ME for not looking typically Chinese.
I don't know about my face but I know my body is not stereotypically Chinese.
I grew up in Canada...so my diet is different...my mother's diet was different!
Leave me alone!!!
Stop asking me if my breasts are fake or if I stuff or something...I don't f.y.i.
I'm not rail thin....I like food. So sue me!
I find that people are prone to categorizing based on ignorance...
not all Chinese girls are a size zero w/ no breasts or ass!

I suppose I'm just sick and tired of the comments.

Eureka! I've found it! Oh..there it goes...

I believe that one of the best feelings in the world is finding inspiration.
Being inspired and finding inspiration is probably the reason I live my life the way I do.
I like that inspiration is non-exclusive but is agreeably inclusive.
A person doesn't have to be a genius to find inspiration.
You don't necessarily have to travel the world, climb to the top of the highest mountain to see a perfect sunset to feel inspired. Everyone has the potential to find and be inspiration.
One of the greatest compliments a person can give me is to tell me that something I did, whether it be through words, art, actions....anything, inspired them.

I'm a thrill seeker.
I don't mean I like to go bungee jumping, or cliff diving or anything (though I am not averse to those activities) but I've devoted myself to seeking to the thrills in feeling.
That's sounds hokey. I don't know how else to phrase it.
I guess you could achieve that feeling of accomplishment and success from any profession or activity...but for me, I've done it all (my mother made sure of it when I was a child and had no choice) and I like to think I'm open to different experiences but I think I get the most satisfaction from the feeling of being inspired creatively.

Gah! Four years of not sleeping properly, not eating properly, ripping out my hair, burning my hands w/ a glue gun and almost slicing my fingers off w/ exacto knives (and what do I get for my troubles except crooked boards) and I actually miss it now that it's done! And it was all worth it because of those rare times I would find inspiration. I'd be working on a project (every project felt like life or death) and wracking my brains for a good idea and I'd come up with a bunch of decent ideas but none of them felt right (and you know when an idea feels right). When you find the perfect solution, it's more than relief that you're actually going to meet your deadline and not look like an idiot in front of a critical class. It's like sleeping after a grueling week-long of insomnia (and it sometimes is). It's like you've become the person you've always hoped you'd one day be.

That 'Eureka!' moment is thrilling. Euphoric.
And much more brief than I would like.
But there is always the hopeful prospect of it coming back.

F**k.
I really need it back.

Cogito Ergo Sum

Something to know about me.
I write more than I sketch.
When I brainstorm, I brainstorm in words and writing it out rather than drawing it out. I'll write out what I want it to look like, use adjective, etc...
So when I am particularly frustrated, I write...a lot.
Here is an excerpt from my quarter-life identity crisis:

"I think I lucked out when I picked graphic design as my path. It didn’t require too much thinking on my part really. I’ve always loved being creative. I did just about everything a creative person could do. I painted, I sketched, I sang, I danced, I wrote, I photographed, I played musical instruments, etc…I just picked graphic design because I figured it combined as many creative activities that I enjoyed. It was either OCAD for graphic design or U of T for creative writing so I applied and I decided that if I didn’t get into OCAD that I wasn’t good enough to pursue design. Either way, I was still going to be doing both years down the line, and I am. The choice did not require much self-reflection or introspection on my part. It was clear the general topics that I enjoyed because it came easier to me and it was something I loved to do. Sure, I could do math and science and I got respectable marks but I wasn’t particularly interested in doing it. Pursuing the arts was a natural path so I didn’t go through the whole angsty who am I and who do I want to be experience. And now I am. Stupid identity crisis.
........."

"..........I am a passionate person. My whole life is about passion. It’s always been about doing what I love. I never once contemplated following a life path where what I loved to do was not dominant. I do what I love and I’m good at it because I love it (or at least I like to think I'm good at it). I’m curious and adaptable so this combined with passion makes me really intense when I really want/care about something. When I do something, I throw myself into it with enthusiasm and single-minded determinedness. I strongly believe that when you do something, you should do it the best you can, otherwise, what’s the point of doing it. I’m very emotionally volatile so when I experience an emotion, I really feel it and I become consumed by it and ergo, express it, whether through my art, words or in any way I can. This is the reason I do what I do, because through my various creative outlets, I can communicate what I feel and think; I can share who I am and understand who I am based on what I produce. Our actions define us. What I do, defines me. Creativity allows me to understand who I am.

Huh. Isn’t that a kicker.
I seriously didn’t understand completely the full depth of why I do the things I do (like photography, design and writing) until I wrote it out and in this act have proved my point."



Sorry if the conclusion seemed very predictable and obvious to those of you who have yourselves all figured out, but it was quite the revelation to me and I feel better that was the point of the entry.