Rinse, Lather, Repeat Repeat Repeat!

I almost gave up on this blog because I started to feel embarrassed about getting personal and revealing my vulnerabilities. But I'm not in high school anymore and I have to push past that feeling because I believe that even something that is insignificant to 99.9% of the world, if anything I can say can bring at least a minute bit of clarity or inspiration to their own situation, then it's worth it. I will now climb off of my soap box.

I really enjoy writing. It is my thought process. As a creative-minded person in the field of art and design I think it is a natural assumption that I am a notebook sketcher, doodler and thumbnail-expert but I rarely draw when I'm figuring out a visual problem. I mostly turn the idea into words, write it out and plan the solution out verbally. That's the writer in me. If I didn't get into OCAD (that to me was the school to get into at the time) then I wasn't good enough to pursue art and design and therefore I was going to attend another institution for creative writing. This is probably why a big part of good design to me is based on smart and funny copywriting. I like coming up with tag lines for ads and creating a story/narrative for a brand. When I look at companies that I admire and want to work for, I look at the background and culture they have created.

I'm still searching for how this all fits into the bigger picture.

What is my niche? Graphic design is visual communication. Writing is another way of communicating. What area is equally dependent on the written as the visual? I guess the real issue is Where do I fit in? I hate the transition stage. Transition stage= finished school, looking for a job. It's just a whole lot of existential chow-chow that occupies way more brain space than it should. I always wished there was some kind of truth machine that could give a brutally honest breakdown evaluation of who I am; my strengths and weaknesses, so I could stop second-guessing. I'm the kind of crazy that only accepts a compliment when someone says it to someone else who never meant me to hear it. When I succeed in something like I get a good mark, I always manage to rationalize it and I'll think "Oh...it's just because the teacher gave me a random mark." I have issues and knowing me I won't figure them out until very late in the game if at all. Oh yea. I can figure out everyone else intuitively but when it's me I have these weird distortion goggles.

Anyways, I've procrastinated enough. Back to reality.

p.s. I'm signing up for a novel writing course. Proaction at it's finest.

word to the wise

If you can't be a highway, be a trail.
If you can't be the sun, be a star.
It isn't by size that you win or you fail.
Be the best of whoever you are.

~Rebecca McCann

Want/It/Right/?/

I hate wanting things too much.
It's a dangerous thing to want...
because then you get your hopes up
and then they're dashed.
Most of the times.
Some of the times.
Want becomes need.
Or at least it can very easily become need.

Ugh.
I want it so badly.
This is not going to end well.

You know when something is right
and you just know it's right
because it resonates inside your soul.
I keep second guessing myself.
I think I have pretty good intuition...
I like to think I know when something is really right.
I get that resonating feeling.
I got that feeling when I found out I could actually turn my creativity into a life path.
I felt that way when I applied to OCAD.
I felt that way when I went into the graphic design program.
The problem I have is just because there are so many almosts that seem right but aren't.
So you start to wonder if this thing that feels right is an almost.
Or maybe it's just self-preservation to keep myself from wanting...
from wanting something that is just right.

~TY

It's on my to-do list

My goal in life is simply to be happy.

Instead of focusing on the small stuff and fixating on things that make me unhappy,
I'm going to devote every day to just bettering myself and being a happier person.
I need to make a list of things I want to do.

TY Goals 2008

1. Take driving lessons and get license.
2. Write a novel (at least start)
3. Draw more.
4. Be fearless; take more risks.
5. Create scrapbook of Europe trip.
6. Take html, javascript, web design courses.
7. Accept more freelance work.
8. Complete a new photoshoot.

A general goal in life for me is to experience as much as I can.
An eventual goal I have decided is to live abroad for a year or two...
I'd love to live in Paris for a year....or New York.
But I think I'd enjoy the rhythm of Paris more.

Anyways...I'm just trying to stay focused on being happy and improving myself.
I shouldn't fixate on getting a job or on the fact that I don't have one (other than Starbucks).
Everything will happen when it's supposed to.
So for now, my plan for happiness today is:
1. Get spicy Korean food
2. Read tabloids at Chapters
3. Movie marathon!

~TY

Cut Off

I hate this feeling.
I feel cut off from all my senses.
I can't taste, see, smell, hear....feel.
I have no sense.....of my self.
I feel like I'm underwater and screaming.
Except I can't scream..
so I drown.

I have an interview with a priest

Yup.
God has a funny sense of humour.

So...I'm Catholic.
A practicing Roman Catholic.
I'm not one of those crazy, banging on your door, trying to convert you, kind of Catholic...but I go to church every Sunday and try to be a good person when I can.
Key word: try.

My religion is not something that I really discuss with people. I'm not ashamed of it, I just don't see the point discussing it with someone. Nothing anyone can say to me will make me not be Catholic. I've been teased for it. Mocked even. By people I consider friends. It never makes me mad though. Other people have different beliefs. It kind of reminds me of when I got mocked in elementary school for being Chinese. Okay. That's a bit different. That was malicious. Not to mention racist. The point is that there was no point wishing to be something other than Chinese. That's who I am and I don't want to be anything other than that. The same goes for being Catholic. Just because it's something I technically, could change (at least more easily than my ethnicity) I wouldn't. So...I believe. I understand that I believe in God and there are people who don't. I don't mock people for not believing.
That's who they are and this is who I am.

Being the person I am and believing what I believe, last night I prayed.
Yea....I'm a big stress ball.
I prayed that God would help me find a good job...it couldn't hurt, right?
Anyways...so my mom found me a job.
It is at 'Salt + Light Television.'
It's a Catholic Media Foundation, whatever that means.
It's filled with priests in training.
Pretty nice location and office though....

Yup.
This is the job God found me.
Did I mention that my mom volunteers at the church?
God is laughing at me.
He is pointing and laughing.

I kind of dig his sense of humour.
*shakes head*

~TY

Houdini is Dead

As an escapist, I have one trap I can wriggle out of....
and that's a looming deadline.

It's almost September.
I've wasted my whole summer being scared of failing
and now, whether or not I'm scared, I have to leap and apply to jobs.
I have to start knocking on doors and calling in favors.
Uuggghhh..I just want my life to start moving somewhere again.
Despite what my parents think, this summer would have been better had I found a job.
Now I'm scrambling and trying to get everything done at the same time.

Ah well...
at least this week I've been productive.
I pruned my resume from 2 pages to one so it's much more compelling
plus I designed it so it actually looks nice.
I also sent out several emails applying for my 1st tier jobs so, fingers crossed!
I decided I shouldn't be so cautious and the worst that could happen is that they just don't reply and in that case, I'll just go ahead with my original promotion plan.
Even getting an intern job would be great...b/c then I could take some marketing classes and driving lessons and feel like I'm doing something with my life instead of wasting time escaping.
I've been working on my portfolio box w/ Vince and Jarek has promised to help me w/ my website which would be awesome....but I have to think of my priorities.

I finally took a freelance job for a reasonable sum..
I also promised my thesis mentor I'd help at the university fair (paid!)...
If I pick up another well-paid freelance job, I was thinking of putting it towards a trip...
.....like L.A. perhaps? I'd love that. My parents would not.
My chances for anything to do with my parents would be much more positive if I get a job.

I am fixating....
jobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjobjob

~TY